#i had to just do this on autopilot so i wasnt spending an hour thinking about every show

[jemmo]

hey so no one asked but seen as today is my final day of peace before i go home for christmas, i stayed up and made a silly lil tier list of all the bl series and movies i watched this year (which is a whopping 45!! but includes shows that didn't air this year but i watched this year, shows that started last year but finished this year, shows i haven't finished and shows that are still airing so... yeah). feel free to hit me with your aggressive support (or wrath), and if you wanna do one then i've added the link at the bottom (apologies i know there's some obvious absences here but i couldn't watch everythingggg)

[unquestionably-queer]

going off my previous post here but i wrote a mini fanfic/headcanon about zukos nightmares? this is really long but if yall like it im willing to actually write it from zuko’s pov and add dialogue. maybe even put it on ao3 maybe? anywho, id love to hear feedback! enjoy!!

it wasnt uncommon for zuko to wake up in such distress that he started frantically firebending. one time iroh saw his nephew quite literally wake up breathing fire. concerning, but very impressive. since joining the gang, he had worked on not doing that (as much as was in his control), as he had accidentaly burnt down a tent or three. but the nightmares themselves didnt subside.

not uncommon, zuko woke up gasping for breath. his head and heart were pounding, sweat dripping down his chest. he headed outside, planning to go to a nearby stream in hopes of finding some relief and peace, only to find sokka was sitting outside and very much awake. they both stared kind of awkwardly at each other before sokka ushered the older boy over. neither asked why the other was awake. they just made mindless chitchat before falling into a surprisingly comfortable silence. sokka got up to leave, but not before offering his company next time zuko needed it. when asked if the offer was genuine, he laughed. to be honest, he had said, he was just being polite, and didnt expect zuko to actually believe him. what a dick move, they both thought.

he woke up in a similar state a few nights later. he tossed and turned, begging for sleep to claim him again before ultimately grunting and accepting his fate. he wandered outside, once again finding sokka awake. zuko greeted him and explained he was going swimming. it was his silent way of offering his company, which sokka took. what started as idle conversation eventually progressed, and they found themselves floating in the stream talking about their youths. at some point they even talked about how they had both lost their moms due to the war (despite katara thinking she was the only one who had ever experienced any sort of emotional pain.) they hadnt even realized the hours that had gone by until the chirping of bugs was replaced by the chirping of birds and the sun put the stars to sleep.

this pattern continued. while sokka never asked what zukos nightmares were about, zuko learned that despite being a sleep enthusiast, sokka lost many hours of precious shut eye to anxious planning. sometimes they went on a walk, sometimes they were sparring, and sometimes they simply watched the stars. it was nice company, just to the two of them. no offense to aang, but sokka and zuko were closer in age and much more similar than they had originally realized. sokka offered his late night company. before zuko could question him, sokka placed a hand on the firebenders shoulder. anything for a friend.

on one occasion, zuko woke up and stumbled outside without thinking about it, only to be greeted with the faint glow of where the fire was, no man in sight. still groggy and disoriented, he rubbed his eyes and blinked a couple of times before shuffling back to bed, blaming the ache in his chest on the painful memory of his nightmares and not on the absence of a certain someones company. it took a long time before he could fall back asleep.

after becoming firelord, sokka decided to stay in the fire nation. mostly for political planning and engagement until zuko got himself on his own two feet. who else to help than the guy who had spent the past few months travelling the world trying to save it. the avatar, katara had said cooly. which wasnt wrong but sokka was offended that she hadnt just agreed. besides, sokka would assure zuko, its not like he could leave zuko alone. who would be his comedic relief?

since returning to the palace, zuko had gone back to handling his dreams alone, the way he used to. while his bedding was definitely made to withstand the panicked firebending, he figured there were better coping mechanisms. he quietly walked through the halls. the young firelord wasnt paying attention, rather just letting his body go on autopilot and he tried to clear his mind. after a solid 15 minutes of rights and lefts, he found himself a hallway away from sokka’s quarters. after some hesitation, he turned around and went back to his bedroom.

the next time, after much delay and pacing, he knocked on the door. its not like be hadnt’t done this before. it would be just like before. that reasoning didnt stop zuko from immediately turning around and walking away. fortunately. sokka opened the door before he could get too far. zuko awkwardly began to explain his situation, but sokka just interrupted him and told him to wait before shutting the door. zuko stood there mouth still half open from when he was talking before sokka emerged two minutes later, clothed and ready to go. they wandered to the kitchen and talked for what seemed like minutes but must have been hours, as they were politely shooed out by the staff beginning to prepare breakfast. zuko walked sokka back to his quarters before they parted ways. sokka reminded his friend that though things may be different, the option still stood.

many night rendezvous later, zuko showed up particularly shaken. much to sokka’s surprise, it almost looked like behind the curtain of now long dark hair, the mans face was wet. when sokka asked if he was crying while brushing dark hair behind a pale ear, it was confirmed that he was in fact crying. it started as silent tears, and slowly but surely turned into a violent sob. you know, the kind of gross one with hiccups and snot and general incoherence. at this point, they had known each other for years, and they had definitely surpassed the point of friendship (though they were both too dense to realize it themselves) meaning they had seen each other vulnerable. but never had sokka seen zuko cry like this, and definitely not because of a nightmare. now the same height, the watertribesman wrapped his arm around his friends shoulder and guided him to the bed. zuko wasnt big on giving physical affection, but he never pushed sokka away. not when the friendly slap on the shoulder became a tender shoulder massage. nor did when sokka went from tussling the mans dark hair to running his fingers through it to just simply playing with it. sokka sat and cradled zukos head into his own neck. zuko cries lessened into sniffles and then a gentle snore. sokka gently moved zuko, placing his friends head on the pillow and tucking him in.

zuko woke up the following morning, confused as to where he was. as he gained his bearings, he turned to find the source of what sounded like snorimg. he stared at the tanned man for a couple beats, processing what was in front of him. the firelord tensed when the snoring stopped, fearing some sort of negative reaction. zuko breathed out in relief when sokka simply rolled away from him and the snoring began again. zuko quietly slipped out the bed and out the room, but not before smiling fondly to himself in the doorway.

a couple days later, sokka and zuko found themselves caught up in late night shenanigans, a concept that wasnt foreign to them. they were sitting on the foot of sokkas bed when zuko stood up to dismiss himself for the night. sokka stopped him, and when zuko raised his eyebrows in question, sokka spluttered out a not so smooth joke that was just a weak attempt at asking for zuko to spend the night. for protection of course. zuko, who at this point was experiencing severe symptoms of polar bear-puppy love, said yes of course, and ended up spending the night.

when he woke up the next morning, he felt truly rested for the first time in years.

[peacestarrlove]

im just not in love with him anymore...

I love my boyfriend but I haven’t been in love with him in so long. I keep telling myself it’s just a phase or bump in the road, and I’ll be in love again soon.

But it’s been almost 2 years..and I’m not so sure anymore.

2 years ago he told me the truth about a lot of things he was lying about. It was the 5th year of our relationship and I felt like since I loved him so much we could work through it. I could forgive him and trust him again.

And I did. I forgave him and I trust him and I love him. But I’m not in love with him.

It feels almost impossible to break up though. We’ve been together almost 7 years and I want him in my life. I know i would miss him.

There are just some things that don’t sit right with me, and I truly don’t know how I could be with him the rest of my life. Maybe I’m being petty. I don’t know. That’s the hard part when you don’t have any family or friends to talk to and you isolate yourself. right and wrong get confusing.

I hate listing these things about him but I really need to get them off my chest:

•he’s not in the moment, usually in his head. he constantly asks me to repeat myself cuz he wasnt listening. Even when he just asked me a question?...and before this problem he would barley listen to me and I would be endlessly upset and feeling lonely. Now atleast he tries to listen but asks me to repeat myself so much constantly it’s..just a lot everyday. He will even wake me up and kiss me good morning I love you and I’ll say good morning I love you too and he’s like “what? Huh?” From the moment I wake up and it just kinda ruins my day. Reminded of what I’m about to go through all day before I even open my eyes. It’s like he’s in autopilot?

•he doesn’t remember..pretty much anything properly, if at all. We’ve been together since we were 16 and when we recall memories together he can rarely remember anything. Anytime I bring anything up, he asks multiple times “are you sure? You’re sure that happened?” And it drives me crazy. Not only does he make me feel like he doesn’t believe me, he really doesn’t remember. And it makes me feel so alone..

I know the memory one probably sounds crazy but he really doesn’t remember things. Like even tonight, we had dinner with my dad and my dad had told us a joke. My boyfriend told me the joke a few hours later and was in disbelief when I finished the joke? He was like “i seriously don’t remember you being there when he told it”.

This event is pretty much what triggered this vent no one is ever gonna read but I need to fucking write it. I’m going insane tbh. And I know this sounds small but this memory thing happens daily with a lot of memories, small and big. it’s just heartbreaking. He’s the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with but what’s the point if he never remembers anything?

•lack of understanding and sympathy for others. I have to give so many examples and explain so much for him to finally understand why certain things are hard for people/animals. I feel like he should have this basic understanding and I’m tired.

•he checks out minors, and I’m talking young minors (like 12-14) and obviously any age under 18 is terrible but that young wtf?! it scares me and when i confront him he just gets really angry and says he can’t help it?? literal children holding their moms hand sometimes..and i didn’t know about this til last year when he told me and it disgusts me to my core. i guess im a naive oblivious idiot??

•he doesn’t care how bad my anxiety is in public, now matter how much I tell him.

He knows I have a hard time going to public places. And we will be walking up to one and he starts saying out loud “oh I see their fire monitoring system..i know how to shut that down, turn the water off..light the building on fire HAHAHAH” like??? Not funny at all. People always stare. It makes me feel so awkward. He says he likes the attention. I tell him it makes my anxiety go crazy and please stop making these “jokes”. He never did. He even made one tonight when we pulled up to our hotel and parked by the backflow.

•he’s into MILF porn and tells me it’s cuz he “used to” fantasize about being with his mom... obviously he still fantasizes about his mom. he asks me to watch porn with him (even though it makes me extremely uncomfortable) and then he puts on MILF and I’m just like great you’re fucking me while thinking about your mom. Then I’m laying there trying not to vomit. So he either likes children or moms. Tf.

•he shows major irresponsibility with our cats and it makes me feel like what would happen if we had children. I really don’t wanna have kids with him because he’s so irresponsible and idk how I can be with someone forever that I can’t raise a kid with. Plus even more scary, is he gonna be perverted if we have a daughter?

•I’ve accomplished many things since we’ve started dating(so has he) but the last two years I’ve been in a very dark depression and I feel like he’s barely noticed/cared. I haven’t accomplished or done much of anything for almost 2 years. Which led to me being vocal about my depression and anxiety which isn’t something I normally ever would have done(I’ve struggled with it by myself my whole life). But I just can’t get out of this slump. I don’t blame him for me feeling this way at all, I just wish he showed compassion or atleast notices how different I am now. Especially on days that are really tough and I don’t even get out of bed...

The sad part is I wrote so many more bullet points but I kept deleting them. I could go on and on and on but I feel sick with every one that I write. Maybe because I know this could mean breaking up with him and idk if it’s the right thing or if I can do it. I just know I’m so unhappy. And it’s hard to gain perspective. Especially since he’s not all bad, obviously. He’s my best friend and I love him. I spend every day with him. I just can’t ignore these things. My family laughs at how much I can ignore the crazy shit he does but it’s really not funny. I’m blocking it out because I can’t stand the pain anymore.